Transitions

These past few weeks God has been teaching me a lot about patience. I have so much to learn. I am so far off the mark when it comes to this. He has tested my patience in many ways: taking care of 2 little kids for 10 days with little help, job hunting, waiting to hear if I got a job after an interview, hearing that I didn't get the job and back to waiting, waiting to know if and when I will be moving out west, when I will be getting married...

This time in my life has certainly be characterized by waiting. Waiting on God. Waiting on direction. One of the things I have the hardest time doing is waiting. I always want to be moving. Pressing on. Doing. When I have an idea, I want to go for it and make it happen. Make it happen--that has been my mindset for so long. But God wants to teach me how to rely on Him, wait on Him, and let Him make it happen.

He has proven Himself faithful over and over again in my life. But I, in my impatience and selfishness, still try to take over and do things my own way.

Right now I am waiting to take NCLEX. I am trying to focus my energies on studying for this big exam, while not worrying about my lack of job. It is hard, because I hardly have the money to pay for gas and my cell phone bill. But once again, God always provides just what I need. I do not know what job he will provide for me. In my limited vision I can't see how I will be able to get a decent job for only 3-4 months. Again, I am back to waiting and trusting Him. He does have something good in store for me.

I am so thankful that God has blessed me with a partner in life who knows Him, loves Him, and desires to follow Him in his ways. Karsten has been a huge support and anchor in my life these past few weeks. We have both gone through times of frustration, exhaustion, worry, and fear, but God has used us in each other's lives to provide peace, confidence and re-direction to our Lord. I could not be more thankful for him. I know that God is at work in our lives and in our relationship and I am excited about what lies ahead for us

!

We come and go 
and pay you no attention
we try to ignore you 
as if you don't exist
but you creep up on us and
take us by surprise


you take old
and young
you do not discriminate


how do we not understand
something that happens every. day. 
how do i not understand?
life. death. grieving. pain. 
and yet it is so foreign? 


but so real. 

"On and on the rain will fall

Like tears from a star like tears from a star

On and on the rain will say

How fragile we are how fragile we are" 

But this is our hope: 

"Where, O death, is your victory? 

Where, O death, is your sting?"

Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ

~ 1 Corinthians 15:55,57

"Love is all you need"

.

It's a lie I believed

And now this I know is true, there is more to love than "love". sacrifice.commitment.forgiveness.

and still, these things remain,

"Faith, hope and love.

But the greatest of these is Love"

This weekend I escaped to the beach with some of my favorite people: Karsten, Anna, Timothy and their sweet baby Leah.

Friday Karsten and I got down to the Outer Banks in the afternoon and spent it on the beach reading and resting. It was warm enough to lay out in bathing suits but not warm enough to get in the water. The sun was great though.

We ate delicious pizza with Anna and Timothy. Timothy came all the way from New York that day. Good sport.

Saturday was a little colder, and it rained in the afternoon. We went to the Barr-ee tent sale. Everything was $5. I stayed within my budget. :) Saturday night we ate Salmon and shrimp kebobs (with bacon and pineapple mmmm) for dinner. So good. And then we played pictionary--one of the most frustrating games. I really struggle drawing. I was pretty fun though.

Sunday morning we went out to the beach to take some family pictures for Anna and Timothy. It was windy! But we got some good ones. And Karsten insisted we get some pictures of us as well... even though I had just woken up, and was still in my pajamas...

Anna and Timothy left before lunch. Karsten and I stayed a little longer and relaxed, ate leftovers for lunch, cleaned up and headed home.

On the drive back we stopped for a little while at Bass Pro, and then made a quick dinner stop at home.

So good to get away and spend some time at the beach. October is one of my favorite times down there--despite the unpredictable weather.

Now Block 2 schedule has started. I am back to regular clinicals, and even have a class this block. Very different schedule than I have been on. I woke up at 7:30 this morning. It's been a long time since I've had anything to do that early in the morning. But this will be good, I look forward to getting back on a good day schedule. Maybe I'll actually get to spend more time with people. I was starting to get a little lonely...

I read Stepha's blog today and she was talking about how it takes a brave person to live in the country because you have to face yourself, your own thoughts, your own interests, your own relationships. and i thought about the city, or even the college life (whether in the city or the suburbs or a strange mix of the two that I find myself in) and how there is so much busy-ness and traffic and distraction. and i wonder, what really matters in life? what do i want to matter in my life?

I know that I at the heart of it i love the country and i a most comfortable there, but i wonder what it is at the root of that? and when i think about it... i think it is the quiet that i like. I like to be alone with my thoughts. I don't like to be literally alone away from people, but i like to be able to have a conversation that is real and meaningful and uninterrupted. i like to do normal, everyday things like cook dinner, go on a walk or a bike ride or swim in the river or run errands--and share it with someone i love. i crave peace when i am away from home in the country for too long. here in harrisonburg I hear traffic all day long. out my window i see cars go by and people walk by and i wonder where they are all going. sometimes when I get home from work at 3am I just sit on my front porch for a few minutes and take in the quiet. sometimes this is the only quiet time i have during the whole day. and i miss this. i find that i get so overwhelmed to the point where i cant think. and in order to think i have to get out. and get away. and i dont want my whole life to be like this. i dont want to have to "escape" my present circumstances just to think. but there is this, this great contrast i live in. i work in one of the bussiest places in the city, the ER. and while I love it, the pace and the excitement and the unpredictability of it all, after 12 hours of that i want to get away. i want to go home to something peaceful. somewhere where i can think. where i can pray without distraction. where i can look out my window and see grass, fields, trees, mountains...not pavement, cars, exhaust, people...

i want my life to be filled with things that are true and real. and i dont know, maybe some people find that in the city. maybe i could find it in my work if i looked a little closer. there are so many people in the city to have potential relationships with. and relationships are one of the must fulfilling, real things in life. but. for me, it is so hard to...focus and enjoy life in a simple way. can you find simplicity in the city? can you find yourself?

may we be bold enough to go into the deeper places of our hearts and face who we are, letting God's light illuminate every aspect of our lives. whether in the business of our everyday lives, or in the quiet, alone places...

I want to pursue what is true, and satisfying... even if it means being bold enough to face who i really am. being bold enough to give up myself for others and invest in relationships. and even if it means remaining in a place that is sometimes overwhelming. for now, i know this is where God has me.

I was reading "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" (Donald Miller) in Barnes and Noble last week. And while I was curled up on a comfy chair, I had an interesting thought. Memories. How many memories do I remember? I mean, how much of my life do I actually remember? How much is lost?...years. I can't even remember all my birthdays, and I have only had 22 of those. I started to worry that I am losing so many important memories as I am always looking ahead to the future.

I'm a pretty avid journal writer. I love writing, and even though I have completed over 10 journals, they are often void of daily memories. They record ideas, thoughts, prayers, but events? Not as much as I would like.

So, in effort to not lose memory of all the exciting, or not so exciting daily events that happen in my life, I am going to try to write more of them down. I'm going to try to write more about what happens, and how it affects me, than about what I am thinking. We'll see how this goes.

Last night was supposed to be my final night of my capstone internship in the Emergency Department. The fact that it turns out that it is not in fact my last night, is not really the point. The point is last night was crazy. We were short staffed, which is never a good way to start off. In addition, everyone in their uncle thinks they are dying of the flu and decided to come in to the ER to be checked out (I can't blame them though, last week I thought I might die of some strange virus too) But besides the flu we had a suicide, an attempted homicide (gunshot wound), a ER lockdown, hallway patients everywhere, squad patients one after another, drunk patients, psyc patients trying to escape, and countless elderly patients with abdominal pain... On any other night this would not be much out of the ordinary, but with only one nurse handling all this...it's no less than overwhelming. 3am could not come fast enough.

I was telling Britt the other day that I am learning to deal with just about anyone. Nothing really seems to shock me anymore. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. (I am leaning toward bad thing) I have had to communicate and care for drug seekers, alcoholics, pregnant teenagers, domestic abuse victims, bipolar and pyschotic patients, frantic mothers, homeless men and women, not to mention people of all different cultures from mennonites to muslims...and this is "normal" in the ER. I am wondering now what really is normal... All I know that it makes dealing with housemates, family members and friends a much easier task. People that I know seem so agreeable in contrast. Conflicts and arguments seem so much more trivial. Discussions are not life and death at home, they are more about who forgot to take their laundry out of the dryer, who's milk was left out on the counter, who forgot to do their chore, etc. Trivial.

I have also been called every name in the book in the past 8 weeks, and have had to learn not to take it personally, but let it slide. I think every day I become more flexible and tolerant. Flexible is good, but tolerant, again, I'm not so sure about...

My favorite newly learned vocabulary word to date is "absodamnlutely". Used in context:

A 90-year-old female patient has been in the emergency department for 5 hours and is very anxious to go home, however she is too sick to drive, and has no family or friends in the hospital with her. After calling a friend to come pick her up, she no longer has the patience to wait for her discharge papers, and so decides to discharge herself.

I notice this old lady walking fully dressed out of her room down the hall toward the doors.

"excuse me ma'am, are you leaving?"

"yes! I'm going home!"

"Well at least let me take your IV out before you go..."

"I already took out my IV" she says pointing to her arm

"You pulled your IV out?!"

"Abso-damn-lutely I did! I'm going home"

I laughed at that word with Brandi for at least 5 minutes after. I don't know why it struck me as hilarious, but it was definitely more on the refreshing side of the vocabulary I hear from some patients. Absodamnlutely.

Stream of Consciousness

::

I stare at my reflection in the glass

tired eyes

and soft curves

my bones ache against the

stone cold floor.

what do the streets feel like?

I want to go home

to the sound of a distant train

the river

and the forest's green

thunderstorms at night

and lightning bugs.

I want to hug my girls

swim in clear salt pools

and watch the evening

shadows dance.

I want to drink wine on

the porch with m dad

and talk about the chickens

and the cats.

I want to hear the voice of

the one I love

and hold his hand in mine.

I want to take my bike

on a ride through the

winding back roads

and feel the sweat drip

down my back and

into my eyes.

I've counted 21 airports

and countless sleepless nights

I've walked into empty bathrooms

and down empty sidewalks

but I am not alone

and tonight

with my eyes open

I dream of you

and wait for dawn.