We come and go 
and pay you no attention
we try to ignore you 
as if you don't exist
but you creep up on us and
take us by surprise


you take old
and young
you do not discriminate


how do we not understand
something that happens every. day. 
how do i not understand?
life. death. grieving. pain. 
and yet it is so foreign? 


but so real. 

"On and on the rain will fall

Like tears from a star like tears from a star

On and on the rain will say

How fragile we are how fragile we are" 

But this is our hope: 

"Where, O death, is your victory? 

Where, O death, is your sting?"

Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ

~ 1 Corinthians 15:55,57

"Love is all you need"

.

It's a lie I believed

And now this I know is true, there is more to love than "love". sacrifice.commitment.forgiveness.

and still, these things remain,

"Faith, hope and love.

But the greatest of these is Love"

This weekend I escaped to the beach with some of my favorite people: Karsten, Anna, Timothy and their sweet baby Leah.

Friday Karsten and I got down to the Outer Banks in the afternoon and spent it on the beach reading and resting. It was warm enough to lay out in bathing suits but not warm enough to get in the water. The sun was great though.

We ate delicious pizza with Anna and Timothy. Timothy came all the way from New York that day. Good sport.

Saturday was a little colder, and it rained in the afternoon. We went to the Barr-ee tent sale. Everything was $5. I stayed within my budget. :) Saturday night we ate Salmon and shrimp kebobs (with bacon and pineapple mmmm) for dinner. So good. And then we played pictionary--one of the most frustrating games. I really struggle drawing. I was pretty fun though.

Sunday morning we went out to the beach to take some family pictures for Anna and Timothy. It was windy! But we got some good ones. And Karsten insisted we get some pictures of us as well... even though I had just woken up, and was still in my pajamas...

Anna and Timothy left before lunch. Karsten and I stayed a little longer and relaxed, ate leftovers for lunch, cleaned up and headed home.

On the drive back we stopped for a little while at Bass Pro, and then made a quick dinner stop at home.

So good to get away and spend some time at the beach. October is one of my favorite times down there--despite the unpredictable weather.

Now Block 2 schedule has started. I am back to regular clinicals, and even have a class this block. Very different schedule than I have been on. I woke up at 7:30 this morning. It's been a long time since I've had anything to do that early in the morning. But this will be good, I look forward to getting back on a good day schedule. Maybe I'll actually get to spend more time with people. I was starting to get a little lonely...

I read Stepha's blog today and she was talking about how it takes a brave person to live in the country because you have to face yourself, your own thoughts, your own interests, your own relationships. and i thought about the city, or even the college life (whether in the city or the suburbs or a strange mix of the two that I find myself in) and how there is so much busy-ness and traffic and distraction. and i wonder, what really matters in life? what do i want to matter in my life?

I know that I at the heart of it i love the country and i a most comfortable there, but i wonder what it is at the root of that? and when i think about it... i think it is the quiet that i like. I like to be alone with my thoughts. I don't like to be literally alone away from people, but i like to be able to have a conversation that is real and meaningful and uninterrupted. i like to do normal, everyday things like cook dinner, go on a walk or a bike ride or swim in the river or run errands--and share it with someone i love. i crave peace when i am away from home in the country for too long. here in harrisonburg I hear traffic all day long. out my window i see cars go by and people walk by and i wonder where they are all going. sometimes when I get home from work at 3am I just sit on my front porch for a few minutes and take in the quiet. sometimes this is the only quiet time i have during the whole day. and i miss this. i find that i get so overwhelmed to the point where i cant think. and in order to think i have to get out. and get away. and i dont want my whole life to be like this. i dont want to have to "escape" my present circumstances just to think. but there is this, this great contrast i live in. i work in one of the bussiest places in the city, the ER. and while I love it, the pace and the excitement and the unpredictability of it all, after 12 hours of that i want to get away. i want to go home to something peaceful. somewhere where i can think. where i can pray without distraction. where i can look out my window and see grass, fields, trees, mountains...not pavement, cars, exhaust, people...

i want my life to be filled with things that are true and real. and i dont know, maybe some people find that in the city. maybe i could find it in my work if i looked a little closer. there are so many people in the city to have potential relationships with. and relationships are one of the must fulfilling, real things in life. but. for me, it is so hard to...focus and enjoy life in a simple way. can you find simplicity in the city? can you find yourself?

may we be bold enough to go into the deeper places of our hearts and face who we are, letting God's light illuminate every aspect of our lives. whether in the business of our everyday lives, or in the quiet, alone places...

I want to pursue what is true, and satisfying... even if it means being bold enough to face who i really am. being bold enough to give up myself for others and invest in relationships. and even if it means remaining in a place that is sometimes overwhelming. for now, i know this is where God has me.

I was reading "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" (Donald Miller) in Barnes and Noble last week. And while I was curled up on a comfy chair, I had an interesting thought. Memories. How many memories do I remember? I mean, how much of my life do I actually remember? How much is lost?...years. I can't even remember all my birthdays, and I have only had 22 of those. I started to worry that I am losing so many important memories as I am always looking ahead to the future.

I'm a pretty avid journal writer. I love writing, and even though I have completed over 10 journals, they are often void of daily memories. They record ideas, thoughts, prayers, but events? Not as much as I would like.

So, in effort to not lose memory of all the exciting, or not so exciting daily events that happen in my life, I am going to try to write more of them down. I'm going to try to write more about what happens, and how it affects me, than about what I am thinking. We'll see how this goes.

Last night was supposed to be my final night of my capstone internship in the Emergency Department. The fact that it turns out that it is not in fact my last night, is not really the point. The point is last night was crazy. We were short staffed, which is never a good way to start off. In addition, everyone in their uncle thinks they are dying of the flu and decided to come in to the ER to be checked out (I can't blame them though, last week I thought I might die of some strange virus too) But besides the flu we had a suicide, an attempted homicide (gunshot wound), a ER lockdown, hallway patients everywhere, squad patients one after another, drunk patients, psyc patients trying to escape, and countless elderly patients with abdominal pain... On any other night this would not be much out of the ordinary, but with only one nurse handling all this...it's no less than overwhelming. 3am could not come fast enough.

I was telling Britt the other day that I am learning to deal with just about anyone. Nothing really seems to shock me anymore. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. (I am leaning toward bad thing) I have had to communicate and care for drug seekers, alcoholics, pregnant teenagers, domestic abuse victims, bipolar and pyschotic patients, frantic mothers, homeless men and women, not to mention people of all different cultures from mennonites to muslims...and this is "normal" in the ER. I am wondering now what really is normal... All I know that it makes dealing with housemates, family members and friends a much easier task. People that I know seem so agreeable in contrast. Conflicts and arguments seem so much more trivial. Discussions are not life and death at home, they are more about who forgot to take their laundry out of the dryer, who's milk was left out on the counter, who forgot to do their chore, etc. Trivial.

I have also been called every name in the book in the past 8 weeks, and have had to learn not to take it personally, but let it slide. I think every day I become more flexible and tolerant. Flexible is good, but tolerant, again, I'm not so sure about...

My favorite newly learned vocabulary word to date is "absodamnlutely". Used in context:

A 90-year-old female patient has been in the emergency department for 5 hours and is very anxious to go home, however she is too sick to drive, and has no family or friends in the hospital with her. After calling a friend to come pick her up, she no longer has the patience to wait for her discharge papers, and so decides to discharge herself.

I notice this old lady walking fully dressed out of her room down the hall toward the doors.

"excuse me ma'am, are you leaving?"

"yes! I'm going home!"

"Well at least let me take your IV out before you go..."

"I already took out my IV" she says pointing to her arm

"You pulled your IV out?!"

"Abso-damn-lutely I did! I'm going home"

I laughed at that word with Brandi for at least 5 minutes after. I don't know why it struck me as hilarious, but it was definitely more on the refreshing side of the vocabulary I hear from some patients. Absodamnlutely.

Stream of Consciousness

::

I stare at my reflection in the glass

tired eyes

and soft curves

my bones ache against the

stone cold floor.

what do the streets feel like?

I want to go home

to the sound of a distant train

the river

and the forest's green

thunderstorms at night

and lightning bugs.

I want to hug my girls

swim in clear salt pools

and watch the evening

shadows dance.

I want to drink wine on

the porch with m dad

and talk about the chickens

and the cats.

I want to hear the voice of

the one I love

and hold his hand in mine.

I want to take my bike

on a ride through the

winding back roads

and feel the sweat drip

down my back and

into my eyes.

I've counted 21 airports

and countless sleepless nights

I've walked into empty bathrooms

and down empty sidewalks

but I am not alone

and tonight

with my eyes open

I dream of you

and wait for dawn.

i wish i could get my thoughts straight
i wish i could tell you what i really feel
what i really meant to say.
i wanted you for so long
and then one night,
you slipped away.

and the feelings come and go
in this moment i feel like holding you forever
i feel so distant from your embrace
from your soft words of comfort and encouragement

it may be gone forever.

and then some days i want only to move forward
to leave all hope of you behind
i dont know what to do.

i have written you letter after letter
and left them unsent
i dont know what is right
cause nothing feels right

i've prayed
night after night
that i would know my own heart
and that i would know His

but it is all out of control
and i am tired
and i cant think straight

it may be gone forever.

Sin Nombre

I heard about this independent film on NPR last week. Then, I went to see Slumdog Millionaire (great movie by the way, if you haven't seen it you should) and saw the preview for it.

It's a film about immigration to the US across Mexico on what is called the "Devil's Train". It's not a true story, but the Film's Writer-Director, Cary Fukunaga, went and rode this train to get the experience to write the story. Ever since I read the novel "Tiujuana Straits" I have been interested in the stories of immigrants and their journeys through hell to come to the States.




I have high hopes for this movie, but I guess we'll see...

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me


All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

A Little Bit of Spring Break

Even though my spring break was a total of 4 days, we did get to go camping. And it was beautiful weather!
Britt and I went to visit Nikki in North Carolina, and we decided to drive to the beach to camp...






We found a nice trailer park with an ocean view to camp in. We were the only tent campers...it was great.











Yay camping!








It was a little chilly, but the beach was beautiful.

Snowboarding

The Perfect day for snowboarding. We got 4 inches of fresh powder, and it was a beautifully cold day.



Courtney and I on the lift.





Josh on the lift. Love this picture.


Some of the group skiing. snowboarding



The view from the top at dusk. So beautiful. I love Harrisonburg.


Josh (looks like a terrorist), Karsten, Me and Jared.

When it rains

I heard this song tonight on the radio on the way back from school. It's a little sad, but...I like it.

Baby Leah

Anna went into labor at 8:30am on Saturday February 7th. Not until 6pm did she and Timothy decide it was time to head to the hospital. I left work early to get to the hospital. I was really excited! And a little nervous...
I got to the hospital around 8:30pm. Both Anna and Timothy's parents were there, as well as Matthew and Kendall and their baby, Timothy's younger brother, and Amber. I got to see Anna, and she was doing great with her Lamaze breathing! Then Aaron and Ashley got there, and I waited with the siblings for a few hours...At 2:00am, after sitting in the room with Anna and Timothy for a while, I decided to leave and let them get some rest before delivery time. A little over an hour later I was back in there to see a brand new baby, and very proud parents! And then Amber, Ashley and Aaron arrived to see their new niece... And there were some happy grandparents too! Anna and Timothy took little Leah Kaylynn home on Monday. I got to the hospital just in time to see them before they left!



<3

Britt's Birthday

Britt' turned 20 on January 24th!
We went out to Taste of Thai with a bunch of friends and she ate a whole fish (literally bones, eyes and all)...Here are some pictures