I read Stepha's blog today and she was talking about how it takes a brave person to live in the country because you have to face yourself, your own thoughts, your own interests, your own relationships. and i thought about the city, or even the college life (whether in the city or the suburbs or a strange mix of the two that I find myself in) and how there is so much busy-ness and traffic and distraction. and i wonder, what really matters in life? what do i want to matter in my life?

I know that I at the heart of it i love the country and i a most comfortable there, but i wonder what it is at the root of that? and when i think about it... i think it is the quiet that i like. I like to be alone with my thoughts. I don't like to be literally alone away from people, but i like to be able to have a conversation that is real and meaningful and uninterrupted. i like to do normal, everyday things like cook dinner, go on a walk or a bike ride or swim in the river or run errands--and share it with someone i love. i crave peace when i am away from home in the country for too long. here in harrisonburg I hear traffic all day long. out my window i see cars go by and people walk by and i wonder where they are all going. sometimes when I get home from work at 3am I just sit on my front porch for a few minutes and take in the quiet. sometimes this is the only quiet time i have during the whole day. and i miss this. i find that i get so overwhelmed to the point where i cant think. and in order to think i have to get out. and get away. and i dont want my whole life to be like this. i dont want to have to "escape" my present circumstances just to think. but there is this, this great contrast i live in. i work in one of the bussiest places in the city, the ER. and while I love it, the pace and the excitement and the unpredictability of it all, after 12 hours of that i want to get away. i want to go home to something peaceful. somewhere where i can think. where i can pray without distraction. where i can look out my window and see grass, fields, trees, mountains...not pavement, cars, exhaust, people...

i want my life to be filled with things that are true and real. and i dont know, maybe some people find that in the city. maybe i could find it in my work if i looked a little closer. there are so many people in the city to have potential relationships with. and relationships are one of the must fulfilling, real things in life. but. for me, it is so hard to...focus and enjoy life in a simple way. can you find simplicity in the city? can you find yourself?

may we be bold enough to go into the deeper places of our hearts and face who we are, letting God's light illuminate every aspect of our lives. whether in the business of our everyday lives, or in the quiet, alone places...

I want to pursue what is true, and satisfying... even if it means being bold enough to face who i really am. being bold enough to give up myself for others and invest in relationships. and even if it means remaining in a place that is sometimes overwhelming. for now, i know this is where God has me.